10/18/2009
Gary,
There
is no easy way to express my feelings, If I did it verbally, I wouldn't say it
right. I would
have trouble finding the right words, and give all sorts of examples that point
out my problems, which would probably just confuse things. So I have decided to
write them down.
I
am grateful for your friendship and do not want it to change. But I know I
cannot perform
in this current calling. From the very first meeting I realized that I would
not be able to do
all that was required. I have tried to
explain in the least number of words and examples.
Everyone
becomes depressed at some time in their lives. Stress and anxiety are just part of life. We might become depressed
because of some circumstance, when a loved one dies or a relationship fails. But we pull
ourselves out of it. Or we don't let it stop us from doing the things that need to be done. We just
pull ourselves up by our boot straps.
Sometimes
depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. If this is the case, depression, stress and anxiety occur at
a different level. If you are not aware of this chemical imbalance, there is no
apparent reason for the way you feel.
Your life changes. Functioning on a day to day level becomes more difficult. An inordinate amount
of time is spent
trying to understand what is going on.
With me, there was a terrible darkness. It seemed to
surround me making life almost unbearable.
It robbed me of my personality, self
worth and so many of the things that I thought defined me. Just as physical illness robs us of
our physical abilities and what we once could do, mental illness robbed me of
who I once was and what I could once do.
Because
of the stigma associated with the possibility of Mental Illness, I put off seeking medical help. When I finally saw a doctor, medication was
suggested. That meant trying different drugs in combination until some combination helps to
correct the chemical imbalance. It took several years to find the right
combination of drugs.
The
darkness finally lifted. It occurred just before Bob Katt died. The darkest
time was in December 1999. How many years was that? Today there is no darkness,
but external stress tends to trigger many of the symptoms associated
with the worst time of the darkness. Things that once would not have given me a moment's
stress, now bring on great anxiety.
My
depression is at least ten years old. Over that time I have disappointed many people. Bishops, a Stake President, the
Temple, and many friends. But mostly myself. I fail a calling, and then called again, to fail again
I warn of my failures, but it
makes no difference. I have
found that most people have no idea of what depression is. Some might think I'm lazy, or have no testimony, or have a lack of
faith, or that I am guilty of some terrible thing
that I am hiding.
In
the darkest times of depression, all of these things are looked at as a
possible explanation
for these terrible feelings that you have. You literally tear your life a part
looking for the
reasons for the way you feel.
During
this time, I have found some things that I can do that cause me little stress. For
a while I recorded peoples life stories. Now I am finding and compiling
genealogy for anyone
that will let me. The stress is in approaching people with the idea of doing it
for them, and convincing them that I don't want any money to do it. I hope that
what i am doing is
worthwhile, and in some way makes up for the things that I can't do anymore.
